Consumed with thoughts and worries. Questioning if I’m good enough.

Replaying old conversations and memories while overthinking other stuff.

My days don’t shine as bright and my nights are really cold. I keep putting one foot in front of the other but I’ve never felt less bold.

I see you everywhere, even when I sleep. The dreams don’t come because I’ve fallen too deep.

My soul has shattered, my heart feels battered and through it all I’m wondering if I really mattered.

How do you mourn a person who is still alive? I usually just write it down or take drive.

But even simple things like that remind me of you. The one person I kinda thought was true.

Everything is on a loop in my mind and those smiles you once loved have been left behind.

But who am I kidding? Nothing will work. Because this is never ending and now all I feel is hurt.

Aside from the pain I feel nothings else. Maybe I should go outside and yell, see if that helps.

Linds💋

Liz wasn’t excited about her birthday. She wished time would skip over it and let it blend in with the rest of the forgotten days of the year. The only thing she did look forward to was the sleep she would get on the plane in 2 hours. She purchased this plane ticket as a last effort to at least do something. She didn’t bother inviting anyone, she knew they would not come. So this was her first international solo trip. And Santorini was the destination.

Liz loved flying. Of course she had the standard flying anxiety, thinking the worst about every possible worst case scenario. But once she was in the air and caught site of the beautiful views, all worries would go out the window. Normally she would book an economy or business class ticket but for her 40th it was no other way to fly other than first class. She marveled at the secluded waiting area she was being escorted into. The smell of lavender filled her nose while soft jazz played quietly in the background. How they were able to dull out the chaos just beyond the velvet rope was a mystery to her. She decided right then first class was the only way to fly from here on out.

Here there was no race to get a seat next to an outlet or getting bumped by a restless child. Feeling her shoulders relax she sighed and took a seat at the wrap around bar. The waiting area was almost empty. Scattered around were a few business types in too tight suits, another woman who looked to be in her late 50’s wearing a Chanel pantsuit and Him sitting about 9 stools down from her.

Nobody looked up from their phone to notice she even walked in and that was fine with her. She was used to being over looked . Not allowing too much attention to be drawn to her. Liz preferred this. Less chances of her making a fool of herself by saying something unfiltered. Her mouth filter had been broken for the last 5 years and she was done trying to fix it. She was done with a lot of things actually. Done with her so called family that treated her like she was less than because of her martial status, done with one sided friendships and going nowhere relationships. For the first time in a long time she was looking forward to being alone. She had reached the point where solitude and peace were her only wishes. So when He didn’t so much as glance her way when she settled into her seat she was thankful.

She had about an hour and a half to get buzzed on wine and read a few chapters in the her book she brought. She sat there, periodically checking the time and getting lost in the fairy world she was reading about. She wished she could meet a man like her book boyfriends in real life. Taking another sip of her wine she laughed out loud at the main characters current dilemma when she felt a gaze on her like she was being watched. When she glanced up to see, the eyes looking at her belonged to Him. Mr. 9 seats away. She realized it was utterly quiet and her sudden laughter probably made more than just him take a look at her. Damn.

She felt her face flush with heat as she went back to reading. She could still feel his gaze. She didn’t have time to process this because walking toward her with another glass of wine was the waiter that served her earlier. He replaced her empty glass with the new full one and before he could walk away she said “I……. didn’t order this.” “Compliments from gentlemen at the end of the bar mam.” The waiter winked at her and was gone in a flash.

Dumbfounded, she reached for the glass to pull it closer to her and looked down the bar at him. Was it her or was he closer than before? He tipped his drink and head in her direction as if to say “cheers”. She smiled and thanked him, taking a sip from the new glass.

She was back lost in her book when she heard “Now boarding flight 189 to Hong Kong” over the intercom. A lot of the too tight suits got up, along with the lady in the Chanel pantsuit. It seemed just Him and Liz were left. Which sent a wave of panic inside her. Did she miss her flight? Maybe they sent an email and she missed it. She hurriedly grabbed her bag to get her phone. In her rush she accidentally sent her book flying and a few of purse contents went everywhere on the floor. “Shit..”

She was relieved she hadn’t missed her flight but annoyance set in when she read the flight was delayed for another hour. She slid down off the high stool and started grabbing her things off the floor. Once everything was accounted for and safely put back in her purse, she noticed Mr. 9 seats was now standing directly in front of her holding her book.

Liz had never laid eyes on a more gorgeous man. Tall, smooth dark chocolate and handsome with a full beard and freshly twisted locs that came down mid back. He wore a black Nike jogging suit that ironically matched her grey one she currently had on. Perfect for long flights. His perfect lips were moving but Liz didn’t hear a word over her heartbeat pounding in her ears.

“…….introduce myself.” His hand extended.

“I’m sorry…” Liz blushed and stopped her fantasy before it could start. “I didn’t hear a word you said.” She placed her hand in his and a wave of electricity filled her body. He must’ve noticed her reaction because he gave her a dazzling smile and repeated himself.

“I said, I hope I’m not disturbing you, I just wanted to introduce myself. I’m James. I saw you when you walked in and I’ve been trying to come up with the best way to approach you.“

“Ahhh ok, that’s why the glass of wine was sent my way.” She wiggled her hand from his and sat back in her seat. “ I was wondering what made you send it, would you like to sit?” Gesturing to the seat next to her. Liz was definitely proud of herself, she was handling this very well even though her armpits were soaked from stress sweat.

James gladly accepted this invitation. He knew he wanted to introduce himself the moment he saw her cross the velvet rope. It took all of him to not look up from his phone when she sat not too far from him at the bar. Play it cool. Play it cool he told himself. But how could he when she was the most beautiful thing her ever did see?

To be continued..💋

Carmen couldn’t quite put her finger on why she was so charmed by Ro. He was mean, stubborn, opinionated and fine as hell. None of which were on her current Christmas list. She figured it was his domineering nature. But seeing as he had her bent over on her couch this particular evening, it could’ve been his 8 inch rock hard penis he was driving into her wet pussy.

“You like that baby?” He growled in her ear. Using his other free hand to make small circles on her already aching clit. Carmen wasn’t in a position to respond, or maybe she was. Regardless, all she was able to mutter was a small moan she let escape her mouth. She was trying her best to hold her orgasm. It hadn’t been 5 minutes and she was already coming undone.

Things had gotten off to a slow start that night being this was their first meet up in several years. Of course they followed each other on socials and still spoke on occasion, wishing each other well during life’s events. But they’ve never been this far. It was a simple message on POF years ago that caused them cross paths. One Carmen always found herself thankful for.

With a smack on her ass she was jolted back to the present. And she realized things were no longer moving slowly. No things were…. Slippery to say the least. “You’re being such a good girl taking all this dick baby” he said while holding the back her of neck still driving into her with a steady pace.

Carmen, still focusing on her breathing didn’t mutter a word or sound this time. She felt her orgasm building inside of her. She wished he would shut up. His voice alone was enough to send her over. Feeling her arms giving out she laid further down onto her elbows giving him full access to her.

“That’s it baby, give it all to me. Such a good fucking girl” In one motion he parted both her ass cheeks to fill her pussy to the hilt. This new position made her gasp and she let out a pleasurable moan. She had never been called a good girl before and was seriously getting more aroused by the sound of it. She finally spoke to him and she prayed it came out as sexy as it did in her head “You feel so fucking good baby…”

She wished she could suck his dick again to give her some time to get herself together. But she licked and sucked all she could before he pushed her back and had his way with her. His lips so soft against her skin she could stay with him forever.

“It’s time for you to come now baby, it’s time for me to see you come on my dick..” Ro sure had a way with words. Feeling bold she told him no and threw her ass back on him meeting him mid stroke. He grabbed a handful of her hair for the disobedience and raised her off her hands so her back was to his chest. “What did you say?” He snarled in her ear.

“No Ro, I’m…. I’m not ready to come yet…”. Enjoying the banter he slipped out and turned her around. Reinserting himself while looking into her eyes “Say it again Carmen, tell me no again”. But she couldn’t. He was calling her bluff. Her legs were spread wide and he never took those beautiful almond eyes off of her. He kissed her gently on the lips and it made her clench her muscles. “Ahhh is that what you want? For me to kiss you… will that make you come for me?” He said with a devilish grin.

She had the answer on the tip of her tongue but before she could answer he put his forehead to hers and with barely a whisper asked her to come for him. “Please” he said “I want to feel you”. She blinked back the emotion she felt surfacing in her eyes and told him “come with me baby.”

As if he finally received his golden ticket he sped up his pace making contact with her g-spot with each stroke. She knew what he was doing, he was trying to claim her. Ruin her even. She felt his need for her with each motion. And she wanted nothing more than to feel him seep inside her.

“Tell me it’s my pussy baby.” His voice was agonizingly beautiful the way he said the words. “It’s yours Ro, all of me is yours….” Squeezing her muscles she felt her release. She heard the extra wetness as their bodies slapped against each other. When he felt her body respond to him he let go too. Riding his wave of ecstasy he slowed his pace to a slow grind inside of her.

They lay breathless for a minute, trying to figure out how they made it to the floor where clothes were thrown about. A feeling of sadness washed over her. Rozay would leave the next day to fly back home. Their communication would become stagnant again and the ache for him would soon resurface.

She always missed him when he left. She wished to know he missed her too, just as much. But that wasn’t the nature of their relationship. If he knew the truth; that she feel in love with him those many years ago, he might not ever speak to her again. So instead of the drama she fell silent. She watched him wipe her down, then himself. They smoked some weed before his Uber came and as she knew she would, she watched him leave. Not knowing when she would see him again.

A week passed before she heard from him again, via social media. She smiled reading his message as she always had. But something was different during this interaction, something felt….new and unknowing. Ro always was able to see her, his gaze boring into her soul and she knew this was not the end of there saga. There love story spanning for over 10 years.

She finished up her conversation, satisfied that they were, as usual, on the same page. Content that they both understood they still have unfinished business.

💋

Jess had noticed over the past couple of days Tonya had looked distracted and she wore a frown of concern. She knew Tonya would get like this sometimes, withdrawn and silent so she wanted to try and put a smile on her face. Besides, they hadn’t had “fun” since Malcolm’s interview and she really needed to release some pressure. She knocked softly on Tonya’s door, letting herself in.

“You busy?” Jess asked, as she crossed the short distance and walked behind Tony’s chair. She didn’t wait for a response before she let her hand slip into Tonya’s blouse while softly kissing her ear.

Tonya grabbed her hand just before her fingers grazed her nipple. “Jess……. I’m really not in the mood right now.” She said softly as she got up from her desk and walked over to her file cabinet. “It’s just, I have a lot of work to do, some things I should’ve already done but I didn’t and I’m a little behind now, rain check?” Tonya gave a genuine face of disappointment. She usually lived for her mid day rendezvous with Jess. But until she could figure out her possible feelings for Malcolm and get ahead on her investigation with The Snatcher, Tonya couldn’t afford to get distracted. And that included Jess.

“Umm…. Yea. Rain check….” Jess felt humiliated. She knew Tonya didn’t mean it in an ugly way and figured she had some personal drama going on so she tried not to take the rejection personal but of course being an over-thinker, she did.

Jess had always been this way. As she walked back to her office she thought about her past and tried to pin point when it all started. Her high school beau, Darius came to mind. He had been her first everything. Their love was pure and innocent, the type of love you wish for in adolescence. Even the breakup was nice, considering the circumstances.

They had met in high school, she was the cheerleader, he was head of the debate team and they had enough classes together to form a friendship that developed into a relationship their sophomore year. Two years into their whirlwind romance, things were going well when Jess found out she had gotten pregnant but miscarried shortly after finding out. Darius didn’t take the loss well and neither did Jess. Her mom had abandoned her when she was a baby and even though Jess was young she longed for a family. What was supposed to be the last year of the “best years of her life” were spent in depression and turmoil. So when she out the blue asked Darius to run away with her she was heartbroken when he declined. He had received a four year, full ride scholarship to Morehouse College and didn’t want to miss the opportunity. He begged her to follow him but Jess didn’t know where she wanted to go in life anymore. Riddled with anxiety, guilt and sorrow, she sunk further into herself. She blocked Darius and tried to rebuild her life. Taking a leap of faith, she enrolled in a well renowned real estate class where she met Tonya and the rest was history.

The anxiety she felt while getting lost in her memory was heavy. Her breath became labored and someone must’ve turned the heat on because she was breaking out in a sweat. Pedro noticed his boss’s face and rushed over to check on her.

“I’m fine Pedro, I promise. I just got a little lightheaded for a minute.” Jess said catching her breath. She leaned back on her office sofa and massaged her temples. Still feeling Pedro’s presence she opened one eye. “Pedro, please clear my schedule for the next two days. I’ll have my briefings done and you can give them to the courier tomorrow morning.”

“Yes mam, is there anything else I can do?” he asked while taking notes.

“Yes, stop hovering please! I said I’m fine.” Jess snapped.

“Yes mam.” Pedro left with his tail between his legs. Closing her office door behind him.

“Great, now I feel like shit…” she thought as she stood up and straightened her skirt.

Jess started gathering her papers and clearing her desk. Everything she needed to send Pedro was completed and she just needed to give them to him. She decided to leave early and get her mind right for the divorce proceedings.

These two personal days were needed. She wanted to get over the humiliation she felt from Tonya and she had a meeting scheduled with her divorce attorney. The next day both of them would meet Winston and his attorney at their law office downtown. This was going to be fun she thought sarcastically.

Since Winston wanted to play hardball she made sure to hire a shark of her own. He couldn’t have thought he was getting any of her money without a fight. Jess was slightly disappointed she wasn’t able to hire the top law firm she originally wanted since they were not accepting new clients. She had to settle for option two. Which wasn’t bad, they had an impeccable winning rate and the retainer wasn’t too steep. Hell, Jess would’ve paid any price to guarantee her success in this divorce.

A few hours passed and with a change of clothes Jess had a better attitude. She walked into Starbucks and saw a middle-aged, short, white woman with red glasses sitting in the corner. Her head was buried in a folder amongst the many others on the table. In front of her was a mountain of papers she was apparently going through. She peered over her glasses and gave a polite smile. Right away the woman knew who Jess was.

“Hi…. Mrs. Jessica Fowler I presume?” She extended her hand.

Jess reluctantly shook it. “Yes and I prefer my maiden name, Lewis. But Jess is fine. And I’m sorry, I thought I was supposed to meet J. Jamison from ‘Jamison and Jamison’. Are you his associate?” She asked questionably.

The woman chuckled. “No sweetheart, I am J. Jamison. The J stands for Janice.” She said pushing her glasses closer to her face looking up at Jess.

Jess couldn’t hide the disappointment she felt. What she needed was a dog, someone who was relentless and didn’t know when to back down. Not a granny.

The woman could see her expression and took her glasses off. “I’m not what you were expecting am I?”

“No mam, you’re not and I’m not trying to be mean. You’re probably a nice lady but I don’t need nice right now I need a champion.”

“Well darling, that’s sure what you got. Don’t be fooled by my stature and meek manner. I know I don’t look it, but I can get down with the best of’em in a courtroom. I’ve been doing this a mighty long time and from what I’ve been looking over, you sure as shit got a solid case. I don’t see why we can’t milk the bastard for all hes got. If you just take a chance on me I promise you won’t regret it. I don’t have a perfect record for nothing.” She gave Jess a wink and patted her hand.

Her southern drawl made Jess smile. The reassurance she felt looking into this strangers eyes was something she’d never felt. Jess felt safe, and that alone outweighed any doubt she may have still had.

“Ok” Jess smiled as her eyes filled with tears.

Janice gave her a Kleenex and told her to fix her crown. “Don’t let them see you cry baby. Now have a seat we have a lot to cover before tomorrow and I want to be prepared. I heard this Darius Lubeck fella is top of the line when it comes to divorce attorneys. BUT he hasn’t met me yet so let’s get started!”

Jess was frozen. “I’m sorry, you said Darius Lubeck?”

Janice double checked something on a piece of paper, “Ahhh yes mam, it says it right here.” Pointing to a line on the page with her red fingernail.

Jess could’ve shit a brick “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” She said under her breath.

She was stunned and speechless because if her suspicions were correct, Darius Lubeck was indeed the same Darius from high school.

💋KV